Big Joe and the Twins

Was wondering, exactly…wondering!!! Had been writing the Why we don’t need this and that for a while, so was wondering what to write about. I sat and thought and somehow the male reproductive organ came to my mind. You have a lot of organs in your body but the only time you think about your liver or your kidney is when they malfunction. But the penis demands your attention all the time. You have to position it, put it in, put it out and don’t forget to wash your hands. You worry about it growing up and if you are not lucky you will worry even after growing up. Size matters lemme tell you. No ifs and buts it matters. We guys even name it. Lil Sergeant, Big Major etc. The most innovative I’ve heard till now is Big Joe and the twins. Get it? :)

I don’t know how it became a slang (don’t pretend like you have never been called a dick) wherein it serves such a great purpose. Most probably a woman came out with it. Let’s be honest women did get the raw deal when nature was planning the whole ordeal. Like a comic once said, “Women have cramps, periods and give birth, I gotta shave-OK!!!” All I wanna say is its just a poor lil organ, it lives, gets sick, gets old, dies. Uh-oh

Since we have spoken about Big Joe, we should atleast mention the twins or they might feel left out. Testicles, the word itself induces fear in men. Even God didn’t wanna think about it, “We have some extra elbow skin left? Use that!” I don’t know how balls came to be spoken in the same context as courage because whenever you are really petrified, they shrink. I wonder why guys go “Here is your stuff, down here take it” or “Do you have the balls to…?” It all starts with playing cricket and your every effort to guard it from the ball. If they were courageous organs they would just refuse the guard and say “Lemme at the ball.” What would be funny is if women related courage to their ovaries. Just imagine a woman putting her hand below her stomach where her ovaries might be and go “Here is your lunch, come get it” ha ha ha

Why we don't need Marriages?

Not very educated but with good assets and a fair ass. Wrinkly bastard with truckloads of money. A match made in heaven!!!

Marriages are supposedly made in heaven but in recent times paradise has become jobless because nosey relatives, matrimonial websites and reality television has taken over. The holy union has now been lowered to a cheap, sordid and profit making affair. I got the booty you got the cash, lets get married! After that we can cheat on each other and later maybe we can call each other names in front of the kids. Voila kid’s fucked!!!

What baffles me is when you can’t really be faithful or understanding, why partake in this sham? This marriage concept was created so that a man and a woman can be with each other through life and face the atrocities thrown at them individually, together. But now just to get hitched you have to be of the same community with a good profession and lots of money. What type of a person you are or how much you love each other is just a formality. Anyway if he’s rich and of the same community, he has to be nice na?

What have we come to?

Why we don't need festivals

Some dude was born a million years ago. Result: Festival. Some dudette killed a bad guy. Result: Festival. Some dude won a war. Result: Festival. One day someone suddenly realized “I have been such a fucking prick, I should change”. Result: Festival.

Now do you realize how foolish you have been celebrating those days, priding yourself to be from that community, making life a living hell for those who don’t even care about your dudes and dudettes. I chose to write on this subject to expose mankind’s buffoonery when it comes to festivals. On top of that I live in a city which chooses to celebrate anything anytime its residents want to. The Ganesh chaturthi’s and the Kannada Rajyotsava’s seem never ending. Just when you think you have seen the last procession of the year, you see another moholla creating a din with as much gusto if not more then the previous ones.

All I am saying is not all of us are injected with the same fervour. Keep your manic celebrations to your home. You can have strippers and hookers parading your house if you want but keep it down. Moreover you completely fuck the environment in one day than the whole of Haiti does in a year. Also worth mentioning is the traffic violence that you put us through. Just a petition. Think about it.

Of Dropped calls and Break adherences-1

Hello there still readin my blogs i see...well Gracias firstly!!! Anyway movin on, from the title itself its quite evident that i am referrin to the call center industry and its quite safe to call me an expert on the subject. I have worked in 3 International call centres, 2 U.S and 1 U.K. process of which two them are I.S.P's(Internet Service Providers) so when i go hunting for a job(Job for the recession afflicted individuals is an activity that grown ups do to earn money) the stupid H.R.automatically thinks i am an expert on I.S.P's too. Well the reason for this blog is to provide an insight to this quite amazin industry where i have seen 12 passouts as well as engineerin and dental ones workin for the same payscale!!!
After you are done with the numerous foolish rounds and handed the offer letter which quotes a meagre sum which u never dreamt of workin for, but u have to coz u dont have any other options do you??? The induction is all happy and gay where you will get free food for the only time not exactly gourmet i might add. After this day you will actually be charged for food which is comparatively worse(Strange are the ways of this world i always say!!!) You will be shown real cool videos of people workin in the company who are all jubilant about their work and are rather happy. Also the video will consist of some really pretty ladies who you will never ever see in the company. The poor freshers always fall for it!!! O i forgot there will be ppl comin in and tellin you how wonderful it is in the company and how he became some manager from agent level in a year. Growth and work environment are the tools of marketin quite properly utilised and no matter how many inductions u have been to, u always kinda believe it till u spend sometime in the company ie Next day u are picked up from your house and training begins...To be continued...

26 Things that are being killed by the Internet

Yeah I'm back not quite the way i had wanted to but i am back nevertheless!!! I am not quite ready to write something personal coz i might spew loads of venom and piss off a lot of people therefore something on the ligter side to warm things up. Why 26 things??? Very simple coz i could think of only 26. Read on then...

1) The art of polite disagreement
The internet has certainly sharpened the tone of debate. The most raucous sections of the blogworld seem incapable of accepting sincerely held differences of opinion; all opponents must have "agendas".
2) Fear that you are the only person unmoved by a celebrity's death
Twitter has become a clearing-house for jokes about dead famous people. Tasteless, but an antidote to the "fans in mourning" mawkishness that otherwise predominates.
3) Listening to an album all the way through
The single is one of the unlikely beneficiaries of the internet – a development which can be looked at in two ways. There's no longer any need to endure eight tracks of filler for a couple of decent tunes, but will "album albums" like Evanescence's Fallen get the widespread hearing they deserve?
4) Punctuality
Before mobile phones, people actually had to keep their appointments and turn up to the meetings on time. Texting friends to warn them of your tardiness five minutes before you are due to meet has become one of throwaway rudenesses of the
connected age.
5) Adolescent nerves at first porn purchase
The ubiquity of free, hard-core pornography on the web has put an end to one of the most dreaded rites of passage for teenage boys – buying dirty magazines. Why tremble in the shop queue when you can download mountains of filth for free in your bedroom?
6) Telephone directories
When was the last time you used one????
7) Watches
Scrabbling around in your pocket to dig out a phone may not be as elegant as glancing at a watch, but...
8) Music stores
In a world where people don't want to pay anything for music, charging them like 250 bucks for 12 songs in a flimsy plastic case is no business model.
9) Letter writing/pen pals
Email is quicker, cheaper and more convenient; receiving a handwritten letter from a friend has become a rare, even nostalgic, pleasure. As a result, formal valedictions like "Yours faithfully" are being replaced by "Best" and "Thanks".
10) Memory
When almost any fact, no matter how obscure, can be dug up within seconds through Google and Wikipedia, there is less value attached to the "mere" storage and retrieval of knowledge.
11) Dead time
When was the last time you spent an hour mulling the world out a window, or re-reading a favourite book? The internet's draw on our attention is relentless and increasingly difficult to resist.
12) Order forms in the back pages of books
Amazon's "Customers who bought this item also bought..." service seems the closest web equivalent.
13) Delayed knowledge of sporting results
When was the last time you bought a newspaper to find out who won the match, rather than for comment and analysis? There's no need to fall silent for Yashpal Sharma on the way home from the game when everyone in the car has an iPhone.
14) Enforceable copyright
The record companies, film studios and news agencies are fighting back, but can the floodgates ever be closed?
15) Aren't they dead? Aren't they gay?
Wikipedia allows us to confirm or disprove almost any celebrity rumour instantly. Only at places with no Wi-Fi signals can the gullible be tricked into believing that Salman Khan passed away.
16) Knowing telephone numbers off by heart
After typing the digits into your contacts book, you never need to look at them again.
17) The mystery of foreign languages
Sites like Babelfish offer instant, good-enough translations of dozens of languages – but kill their beauty and rhythm.
18) Geographical knowledge
With GPS systems spreading from cars to smartphones, knowing the way from A to B is a less prized skill. Just ask the Bangalore Auto drivers who spent years learning The Knowledge but are now undercut by cabs.
19) Pencil cricket
An old-fashioned schoolboy diversion swept away by the Stick Cricket behemoth.
20) Concentration
What with tabbing between Twitter, Facebook and Orkut, it's a wonder anyone gets their work done.
21) Personal reinvention
How can you forge a new identity at work when your Facebook is plastered with photos of the "old" you?
22) Undiscovered artists
Posting paintings to deviantART and Flickr – or poems to writebuzz – could not be easier. So now the garret-dwellers have no excuses.
23) The usefulness of reference pages at the front of diaries
If anyone still digs out their diaries to check what time zone London is in, or how many litres there are to a gallon, we don't know them.
24) The nervous thrill of the reunion
You've spent the past four years tracking their weight-gain on Facebook, so meeting up with your first love doesn't pack the emotional punch it once did.
25) Solitaire
The original computer timewaster has been superseded by the more alluring temptations of the web.
26) Your lunchbreak
Did you leave your desk today? Or gobble a sandwich while sending a few personal emails and checking the price of a week in Goa???

11 December 2008

Since i am going to my beloved hometown on vacation, i thought of pouring it all in on this post because u never know, it could be my last blog. For the lesser known my home is in Assam, a battlefield to be precise where bombs go off at the drop of a hat. I really don't know when n where this fat, old body might fall. Therefore mom n dad i love u, love u Ria though i am not all that great at expressing it. Love n adore u girl, u know who u are. My buddies, love u. 

                            Moving on from this grim context, as i had mentioned before i was jobless for a while therefore i took time out to study human nature. My pals are not really human but nevertheless the mood seems to be always on the bleaker side with everybody. I, myself am not in a great mood most of the times n feel bored easily, whine!!! We could always blame it on the corporate world but there should be more to it. And no Ms Zirdo don't tell me u are always happy n gay coz u are the one of the most bitter persons i have met in my lifetime. I know u claim to have recovered from the blows that life dealt u but hey come on who are u kiddin!!! Also u are right that i am paying the price of emptiness coz i am faithful. Faithfulness has always been a hard path to follow but i still do it coz i wasn't taught otherwise n also coz i am too lazy to go n flirt with other woman!!! For Dhri all i can say is learn to decide. You are who you are by the choices u make. Bitan, stop the fucking whining, drink, make merry n grab the opportunity when it comes ;) Som n Sanky, i don't really know wat to say to u. You both are the happiest among us so keep enjoyin the lifestyle u chose!!! 

             On a more serious note i would like to offer my heartfelt sympathies to the families of the victims who lost their lives on 26/11. I wonder when this will stop, when i could walk the streets without fear, when i could go to my hometown without writing a crappy blog scared i might not come back alive...Hindus, Muslims, Christians haven't u realized the truth of religion yet. Do u need more bloodshed to prove whose God is the real deal??? Where is thy God ppl??? Well next time ask ur God to come down n fight for u for a change...Plus this ninnys running this country can all but politicize these matters n squabble among each other. Don't u fuckin wimps dare come askin for votes at my doorstep this time!!! Stop it folks i am tired aren't you???

13th Nov

Since every Tom, Dick n Harry is writing farewells to Sourav Ganguly, i think i should write one too seeing that he has been my hero since i was in the 4th standard, he made cricket a passion and impossible possible. When i grew up watching cricket the Indian cricket team was a disaster they lost more than they won, the heroes were Azhar, Sachin, Kumble from whom if u wanted to extract any semblance of aggression i guess u would have to hit them. The Indian team played cricket like employees working in a government organisation. They go everyday to work disinterested only lookin forward to the end of the month to collect their pay. And things werent goin to change anytime soon. To understand the difference between Sourav n the other cricketers of those times u would have to know his background n upbringing. Sourav was born in a upper-class family in Kolkata where as he was growing up he had no dearth of money or anything money could buy. He was rightly termed 'Maharaja' coz he was treated as one in his home. Therefore, Sourav played cricket not for the wages it had to offer but as a sport, a passion. 

              When Sourav was picked for the Indian team in the 1991-92  Australian tour. He played a single ODI n was dropped with the team manager citing he had an attitude problem. But Sourav bounced back after 4 years(as we will see in the future bouncin back is second nature to Mr. Ganguly) in England amid wide criticism over his selection. The rest as they say is history, he struck two centuries in two consecutive tests n cemented his place in the Indian team. From 1996 to 2000 was an upward curve for him with runs comin from his bat the critics were silenced for sometime atleast. He matched Sachin stroke to stroke n was more consistent than Sachin in that period if u look at stats. Captaincy changed hands from Azhar to Sachin to Azhar to Sachin. But India still maintained its stature as Tigers at home, lambs abroad. And then Indian cricket was hit with the worst crisis ever, the match-fixing scandal. Everybody suddenly was under doubt, heroisms were forgotten n the public was bayin for the blood of the cricketers. Sachin quit captaincy, Azhar n Jadeja were banned from playing n Indian cricket was in disarray. At this time the captaincy was given to a man who was above this petty match-fixing ignominy. He made his own team, overlooked seniors sometimes n looked for new blood. Sourav stood by his bunch at all times gave them confidence, increased their self-belief n instilled the much needed aggression. Yuvraj, Harbhajan, Kaif, Sehwag were brought up from nowhere n made into superstars. The colonial mindset was trashed n the new India could take blows as well as give them out. The rise of Indian cricket is rightly attributed to Sourav who led them to overseas wins as well as to the final of the world cup. 

             When John Wright quit as coach of the Indian team, Sourav backed Greg Chappell for the post which might be the most blatant blunder that the great one ever made. Chappell was keen to be the centre of attention n wanted the rights of exercising the utmost powers in Indian cricket. This led to a public clash which left Sourav stripped from captaincy n out of the team. This was the darkest phase of his career, as i have come to know also that when u are not successful u have fewer friends, less self-belief n extreme frustration. He was in a pit from which no one backed him to come out. His career was supposedly finished n the great saga had ended. But Sourav as we know him had other ideas. He trained hard, worked primarily on his fitness n technique. He was finally given another shot on the tour to South Africa where he made one of the greatest comebacks that cricketing history has ever seen. He was back but not as the general but as a foot soldier. He enjoyed his batting to the fullest without the burdens of captaincy n notched up big scores. But that wasnt enough for the selectors n he was dropped from the ODI squad. This was a bit unfair seeing his tremendous record in ODIs n he was genuinely disappointed. People again started counting his days in the middle and after a disastrous tour to Srilanka where the whole batting order failed, he was again made the scapegoat n was left out from the rest of India squad. Dada had enough n finally announced his retirement from all forms of the game after the Australia series. 

          To briefly put it Sourav was one of India's greatest. He was a great batsman n the best leader India produced. One can never forget those sublime drives through the off-side or the shirt waving incident on the balcony of Lord's. But Sourav was more than that, he was a fighter who fought till his last day n never gave up. We can only look forward to his exploits in the IPL now where he will be turning out for the Kolkata Knightriders. Dada we will miss u!!! U were the greatest ever...